this is my diary where i like to express my thoughts and write about my experiences every day


8:54 am

rough morning so far. classes have been going well for the most part. the main issue im having is i can't get over this dumb girl that doesn't like me. i just want to be able to get over her, and if i can't get over her then i want to be with her. i know that'll never happen, but it's nice to imagine it sometimes. i think i should just try to cut her off from the rest of my thoughts but that's getting harder and harder to do as time progresses. if i had one wish and i could get anything i wanted, i would wish for her to like me the way i like her. either that or to be a billionaire. it would depend on if i was sad at the time or not. don't get me wrong, both would make me happy but there's something about being with someone that feels the same way about you that you feel about them that money just cannot replicate. maybe that's just me. maybe i'm just overly sensitive. it could be. i wouldn't change myself for the world.

on another note, i just had the best weekend of my life. i got to hang out with my friends for five days! we played games, smoked cigs and pot, we saw joker (my new favorite movie), and overall it was just a weekend that'll be nearly impossible to replicate. although it had its low points. specifically on saturday. my friend asked the girl i like if she wanted to see joker with us, but when he asked she said no. that wouldn't have been a big deal or anything, nobody expected her to say yes. but when he asked her why, while i wasn't looking she turned her head and nodded towards me. i didn't know until we left but man that shit hurt. i know i shouldn't really expect anything else but that fucked me up for a good hour or two.

i hope the rest of my life feels like that weekend.

10:33 am

second hour went well but it was kind of tedious, not too bad. not feeling as bad anymore, i'm happy about that. as soon as i can get over this slump i know i can be happy. it's nearly been a year since i ended things with the girl i used to talk to. i moved on very fast from that. why can't i move on from this. i don't know her hardly as well as the girl i used to talk to, yet it's harder for me to get over it. kind of funny in a weird way isn't it? i can easily get over someone i spent nearly a year of my life talking to within a week, but i can't get over someone i spent hardly any time talking to. i wish she would just give me a chance. she's too busy with that other guy that won't even date her. they've been talking for months and he still hasn't made it official. i just don't get it. whatever though, i'll live.

11:03 am

the best part about music is that it's there when your friends aren't. you can always rely on music to be there. no matter the song, artist, or genre, music will always be there. music has helped me through a lot of rough times in my life and i probably would be dead right now if it wasn't a part of my life. when i was suicidal on a daily basis because of my awful ex. every single night i wanted to jump head first out of my window, and i would have if music didn't help me cope.

this song helped me a lot, sometimes i cry when i listen to it because it reminds me of everything i was going through at the time.


8:41 am

this morning has been going well. english class was enjoyable, i woke up early and wasn't lacking much energy, i have a cigarette waiting for me when i get home, so today feels like it'll be a good one. the main thing that's been upsetting me is about my dog, whinnie. she's being put down on friday at around 5 pm and it's really rough shit. we've had her for around five or so years and i love this dog to death. i'm going to miss her a lot. there's nothing we can do about the tumor. it's cancerous and it's growing too quickly for us to be able to help. there's nothing we can do. i would do anything i can but there's nothing we can do. i guess i should just be happy i got to spend these five years with her. i'd do anything to help this dog. anything. but i have to stop sulking about it. there's no point in staying sad. i love her but this is just what's best. i hope she enjoys her last week. she's never really liked me very much but that just makes the moments we had together even more special to me. i need to stop writing before i break down into tears.


10:49 am

today has been going well so far. well except for the fact that today is my last day with my dog. i'll have some time tomorrow, maybe an hour or two. we might find a wagon and take her on a walk around the neighborhood or soemthing tonight. i'm not sure how i feel. my parents want me to go with them to the vet tomorrow but i don't think i would be able to handle it. they say i won't have to watch and i can just sit in the waiting room, but i would rather not be there at all. she doesn't like me very much in the first place, so maybe it's like i'm letting her spend her final moments with the people she loves, and me being at home would be better for her. maybe.


8:21 am

today is the day. i still don't believe it's real. i do, yet i don't at the same time. it's just denial. she's just going in for a checkup tonight. that's all it is. i hope my parents come home tonight and say it was all some super sick elaborate joke but i know they won't. why would it be. we all love her. i never really thought about what i would do if she died. i knew i would be sad but i've never had a pet go so suddenly. with the cat we all knew she was going to die soon and we were all expecting it for like a year. but nobody thought we would have to put whinnie down. i never thought it would actually come to this point. there's nothign i can do about it so i just have to deal with the fact that it's happening. i love her but i can't stop it. whatever.


10:47 am

yesterday was really hard for me. i had forgotten what it feels like to be that sad. it was a brutal reminder. i’m feeling better now though, which is good i think. i hate saturday school. it’s so damn boring. i also have to read like 40 pages in a novel for my english class on monday. i probably won’t end up doing it but who knows, maybe i’ll get a sudden burst of motivation today or tomorrow. i guess that’s always a possibility. keeping this diary is nice. it has a certain level of anonimity so i don’t mind putting it online, but if someone close to me ever came across it i’m sure they’d know it was me right away. the thought of that is scarily exciting. on one hand, your diary is out there for people you know, meaning they’ll be reading it and looking at your deepest thoughts. on the other hand, you know people care enough to read. i should really be doing my credit recovery but fuck it. i’ll live. i think that this weekend will be nice. i don’t know why yet, but i hope to find out.


8:21 am

i haven't been keeping my diary the past two days. i knew i should have been making entries but i really just didn't feel like it. i'm gonna get better with that. i wish she liked me. i wish elle would wake up already. every morning i wait for elle to wake up so i can talk to her. i talk to her about her and she listens and is understanding. she's nice. if i knew her irl i'd probably date her but fuck that long distance shit. either way i like someone else so whatever. i wish i could make my fantasies a reality. it doesn't even have to last a long time. i just want a chance, you know? a chance to prove that i can be great for her. a chance for the both of us to see how compatible we are. oh well, it may never happen. that's okay i guess. if she really doesn't like me then so be it. i'll just have to deal with it.